Your mistakes are yours to make.

As a teenage girl, all the roads to your dreams are only a few years ahead of you. To be loved, to get a degree, to leave your global footprint, to have a family. I wish in my early, sheltered years I understood the importance of being grounded in reality. The belief system that I founded my entire life ideology on handicapped me extensively in early adulthood. I was 21 with a new child and barely coping - followed by being a divorcee 2 years later. I was educated, grew up in a stable home, riding my high horse - and I was humbled mercilessly by life. I quickly realized that having a marriage doesn’t mean it’ll be worth the fight, having a child doesn’t hold enough motivational glue for a relationship, the person you intended to have a life with will change (and so will you) and happily ever after does not exist. My whole life, all my aspirations, my fairy tale was a farce.

At 26 years old, I have rebuilt my paradigm of existence, how I view it and I have ensured its flexibility matches the volatility of life. My 16 year old self would have shunned the woman I am now. But 10 years wiser, I realized that we don’t always get out what we put in, being a “good” person is not a black and white character as people’s perspective are subjective, and finally, sometimes your best is not good enough - and all those things are okay. We may pour ourselves into situations but reciprocity is not up to us, no matter how much we sacrifice. Our actions and words are skewed and filtered by others’ life lens - their outlook has been shaped by unique and specific feelings, so they may not see you for your intentions. And finally, we are all hurting, we are all healing and we are all coping. What may be your best effort may not be what another person needs because we are all individuals.

I, personally, struggle with the way the people I love view me. I make an extra effort to be conscious of how I come across to others and try to ensure I am not projecting my pain and insecurities. But with this internal battle, I find that it ends up happening regardless. I fight with them to see me in a way that reflects my love, despite my darkness, and the latter only overpowers the situation. I am still learning to accept that no matter what I do, people will only accept things as they see fit. Even if what they see is not truly me, my intentions nor my light - and that’s okay.

In accepting these life teachings, I have been able to navigate a majority of my difficult situations with people I’ve loved and people I’ve lost - not easily, but eventually. And in all honesty, the other situations, I still have no idea what to do and am trying to figure it all out - the pain, the lessons, the wavering healing process. Accept the guidance, the suggestions and the help, but remember to trust yourself. Only you know what you are feeling, your triggers and how you are managing them. Be fair to yourself and give yourself the chance to move forward how you feel best. As you travel your meandering life journey, be mindful of how you let others affect your choices. Your mistakes are yours to make. Be proud of them, but learn. You are the only one who knows what it costed you to overcome them.

Sharda