Love In The 4th.

On this very auspicious day, I share my thoughts and feelings of love. It is not what I had imagined it to be, and it looks differently from what others imagined for me. It has broken me - chiseled into every layer of fear and pain that I put myself together with over the course of my life. The defeat was palpable in my aura and all the confusing turmoil surfaced to my skin. I realized how very fragile I had become, and how very fragile I probably always was. Sharing your mental and emotional space with someone inevitably reveals all the darkness in your soul that you thought you released or that you intentionally evaded. My partner and I experienced this constant triggering for a majority of our relationship. I am a very emotional and anxious person, meanwhile he is passive and nonchalant. I was always ready to jump on issues - let's talk about them, solve them and get to the good part. He would always be indifferent, shut down and move on. We couldn't relate and we couldn't get on the same page. We tried therapy, space and reached multiple breaking points together. "We grew up differently." "We're just too incompatible." "We'll never understand each other." These were all things I told myself. And all things others told me. As we step into our fourth year, today, my perspective of love has significantly evolved. I know now that it does not beg, it is not forced and it does not hold shape. It looks like the laundry being done for our family in my isolation. It looks like me interrupting my irrational thoughts to stop the harmful cycle. It's the new expression of remorse in the morning when he didn't consider my feelings the night before. It's when I buy his yellow Listerine because I notice it's getting low even though we haven't spoken more than the minimum for two days. It is simply love. In the most honest, sincere and full sense of the word. Of the feeling. It's messy, it's high, it's low, it's balanced, it's give and take, sometimes more give than take, sometimes more take than give. It's settling on some days and it's exceeding expectations on others. It's complicated - an amalgamation of each others' brokenness and sunshine. A love that was built under the heaviness of a divorce, children, relocation, financial limitations, family pressures and excruciating growth. A love that we feel when we're kissing on the stairs of a majestic cenote in Mexico or between the buildings in Times Square, NY - or just on our couch, lying together, falling asleep at 9 pm because we don't feel as young and vibrant like we used to. Sometimes, it's a love that we can only remember because we haven't felt that way for a while, but it's enough. Today, I am just grateful for the joy to feel this love. Bad days, good days, all days, all ways, always.

*** Thank you for sharing this journey with me, even in my extended absence. The human experience is multifaceted, coming with dry periods and high periods. I appreciate you through it all.