With Love, With Time.

Growing in this internet-based age, I have access to thousands of modern opinions of love and relationships, and most of it is based on the premise of "moving on". Moving on if they don't call enough, kiss enough, post enough, post too much. If they don't treat us exactly the way we want to be treated in every moment... And we have become so desensitized to the fact that we offer similar doubts and hiccups to our partner, maybe just in different ways. I claim no expertise in bearing successful romantic relationships, but I like to think I know how they don't work. For me, the bottom line is the most cliche but most true advice we've all heard at least once before - good things take time. And by good, I mean, a long lasting, healthy, growing relationship - not a perfect, happy, perpetually exciting life.

I struggled immensely for a majority of my current relationship, mostly because I was adamant about what I deserve - and I wanted it right away. I needed him to coddle my fears before he understood them, trust my intentions without really knowing me, and forgive me for my shortcomings without recognizing how it triggered him. I was not giving him time to adjust and step up from his own volition. I was so anxious about history repeating itself, with two children this time instead of one, that I was forcing him to be someone he was not ready to be, and he was extremely resistant. I did not consider his demons, his childhood trauma and his own insecurities (which he would often project on me too). And the more I pushed him to be the man I wanted is the more he deflected. Most importantly during this process, I failed to realize, I was no queen either. Giving my "all" (the overextending myself, the begging, the pleading) was counterproductive, because I was far more overwhelming than I was loving. For me, it was simple. If I asked over and over and he didn’t deliver, he just didn’t care, when in reality it just kept reminding him what he wasn’t fulfilling for me - which turned out to be discouraging rather than a nudge to do better. We are a lot more complex than we realize alone, therefore the intricacies of our existential dynamic will only heighten when adding another complex individual.

In getting to know him, every way that I operated over the past 24 years (at the time) was coming to the forefront. Similarly, his was surfacing. The good, the bad and the ugly. What everyone else accepted about us for the length of our existence, we found it difficult to tolerate in each other. But while everyone else could simply go home, move on or forget about the negative ways we’ve expressed ourselves - we could not separate. I was laying my head beside his every night and I was waking up next to him every morning. We simply could not escape who we were, nor each other.

And so, with love and with time, we have found a middle ground again where we put our best selves forward for each other and for our family. As humans, we all tend to be so afraid of changing ourselves for our significant other because we may lose who we are or we may eventually lose the relationship altogether. But love is about what you give. We become better versions of ourselves for them because our love becomes about them. Sharing this perspective is key. And I have learned that expecting these things to come immediately and naturally is unrealistic and unfair. It took both of us our whole lives to become who we were when we met, so it will take this lifetime to perfect becoming "us" together. We trust each other's intentions and we try to see each other for who we know ourselves to be, even if what we're seeing at the time is not a reflection of that. And in all fairness to him, he has been far more patient with me and our journey and in turn, taught me to be the same.

Most days are neutral or mundane, some days are filled with passion, and some days are just awful. But instead of thinking I would be better off without this, I have shifted my mindset to thinking we can get to a better place again. This doesn't mean there are never any doubts, lack of trust or moments of despair - it just means that when these feelings appear, I look at the bigger picture and reevaluate what it is i I really want - our family, my life partner, our history. And with all things, it can change, but the goal is to keep changing together.

Give it time, give it love, give it all, and sometimes, just give it small.