How do I find my own stability when constantly handling volatile emotions? I find it so difficult to separate myself from my children's very heavy feelings. They are always crying, wanting and unsettled. It makes me question myself overall and that goes into an entire downward spiral of its own. It's my job as their mother to make them happy, right? So when I'm failing at that, what kind of mother am I then? What kind of mother am I when my two year old's untriggered tantrums cause him to throw up and I get mad because it's ten o' clock at night and I've been wiping tears all day? What kind of mother am I when my six year old wants to be with his father and us at the same time and cannot find peace and he never asked for this kind of life but it's the one I created for him? When his territorial brother always has his dad around and he doesn't? When there isn't a thing I can do to fix or help it? You know the type of mother that does anything and everything to make her children happy? The mother who spends a lot of money on some days to take them places and then they are cranky and tired and want to go home. Or how about the one who doesn't buy anything at all on other days and just takes them outside to draw on the driveway with chalk but it's too hot, but inside is too boring but they don't want to leave the house. Hm. The smothering one, perhaps? Where I pin them down and kiss them all over and they aggressively fight me off but they act starved of affection in their loveless existence. My, my. Sometimes I can be the melatonin mom who looks forward to 7 pm so I can mellow them down for an early bedtime because I need a break from wiping chicken and bread crumbs off the table and floor and I would like to watch tv without someone having a melt down about not being able to watch Jurassic World or Home that they even didn't remember until I touched the remote. Or maybe I just want to fold four loads of laundry in the moonlight without each pile being uprooted and thrown around the room. There's something very romantic about post-bedtime that makes me feel like myself - where I am no kind of mother at all - for just a couple hours.
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Beautiful post. You are a good Mother and your feelings are valid. I can relate to that post-bedtime feeling. You feel a sense of normalcy for a bit — though, a time where you’re stuck between choosing whether to continue your motherly duties or just focus on yourself & self-care (like simply taking a shower).