Resilient.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you ruined it? I have… I hold on so tight that I end up suffocating it. I go out of my way to nurture it with all my energy and heart invested. It centers my days and my world, without ever asking to be the focal point. But I’m so afraid to lose it that I lose my balance and I lose myself. Then when I fight for it because I’ve surrendered all I had to offer, out of love and hope for a better future, I end up being monstrous. How dare anyone destroy my hard work? My dedication? Is this a reflection of my value to them? Then I realize… this dynamic of misery was manifested by me. Fueled by outside factors, but all in my head.

There are days when I feel my desperation in the air, palpable on my skin. The need to be understood numbing my legs. Turning into bitterness as it goes up my spine. My entire body, burning with anger. Have you ever been so uncertain of your love and light that it makes you pine for reassurance? Then no one quite knows how to fill the other half of your glass, so they just end up shaking it instead. You just give all your power away to others? I, too often, have. My faith makes me resilient. The hope that one day I will exchange my pain for well-deserved compassion. The compassion I easily extend to others in their shortcomings. I keep anxiously trying to prove myself and my intentions and my failed expectations hurt my own feelings. Because if people truly loved me, they would try to see me and hear me for who I am, right? They would observe beyond my exterior to see that I’m just hurting and need their support, right? Wrong.

In the least cynical way possible, I’ve seen that this is the way life goes in the world we live in now. Journeys to self discovery often come at the expense of our own happiness. Our discomfort propels us into fundamental growth. And there are always lessons to be learned, with just moments of happiness sprinkled in - for now. The more we know and the more we grow, the more abundant they come. The change we want to see and feel, we must first be. Another reason I remain resilient. Even if they are shaped differently from what I had imagined, the sprinkles will become showers…