Overdoing It.

I used to pride myself on being a giver - watering wilted flowers and laying compost on broken ground. Man, was I quite the gardener, sometimes I still am. I have always been naturally inclined to help others with their loads. Service their emotional needs and reach out to share burdens so they felt less alone. I enjoyed getting to know people through their pain and admired the bravery in their vulnerability, sometimes I still do. Knowing people's stories made their actions understandable, their smiles appreciated and their mind attractive. Pain is a uniting force that can be harnessed for healing and that is the overwhelming beauty in simply being human. We can all relate to the tears, the chaos and the eviscerating feeling of loss and betrayal. Sometimes we are the loser and the betrayer and sometimes we are on the receiving end, but we've all been there or will get there sooner than later. But assisting in the navigation of others' plight or absorbing it entirely was killing me. The human spirit perishes under imbalance. I slowly became the wilted flower that I tended for everyone else to reach their spring.

After a lifetime of expelling my own energy to revitalize others, I decided it was my turn. It was not pretty nor was it easy. At this point, I was empty, resentful and demanding. Everyone I loved owed me something and my bitterness was unforgiving. But so was theirs. Nobody would meet me halfway where I ran marathons for them (that they never asked me to). They didn't respect my boundaries and they couldn't understand where the bubbly, happy me that they adored went. I misplaced her and I missed her.

I had to remind myself through a breakthrough awakening that the human spirit, indeed, perishes under imbalance, and I took it from the extreme selfless end of the spectrum to the extreme selfish. Counterproductive to my mission towards happiness and counterintuitive to my naturally loving and obliging self. I needed to stop jumping leaps, to stop forcing myself still and find my own in-between grounding. I penetrated the darkness inside me that shaped itself as people-pleasing, anxiety, not feeling good enough and overcompensating in hopes of feeling a fraction of the warmth I imbued into others. I recaptured my light and refocused myself when I dug into where it was all coming from and why it hurt so bad. I forgave myself and I forgave others for not knowing how to handle my anger and fragility.

And with time, my hardness relented. I was able to make guilt-free sacrifices (of my own volition) without conditions or expectations - which is a far more fulfilling and sincere form of selflessness. I still struggle with maintaining boundaries with the people I love and find myself cautious to explore new people out of fear of being drained or used or misunderstood. I'm working on that... Life is always work.