Nobody Owes You Anything.

This is probably one of the most hurtful and unforgiving truths of life that I encounter over and over. What a strange and mind blowing concept. That people are hurtful, deceitful and malicious - even if you don’t do anything or think you deserve it. I still grapple with the idea that this is even a thing, honestly.

But with time, I came to realize that - if my gentleness, kindness or sincere love demanded reciprocity, then my love was conditional. It could simply be a case where they don’t value what I’m doing because they’ve never had interest. And while gratitude would be nice in a way that I understand, it’s really not mandatory. I was making others accountable for my feelings and how I interpret what’s happening around me - which is probably not the reality of it at all. This is where I found it important to let go. I let go of desiring others to always see me in the light I try to shine, rather than the darkness that surfaces occasionally. I let go of admonishing myself for thinking I am not enough because someone didn’t react or respond in a way that was “happy” to me. I let go of others not wanting to be apart of my journey even though I may have been heavily invested in theirs. It’s tough being in charge of my emotions, my perspective and my peace when it’s constantly being affected by others - but it is also my power.

No one owes me a conversation or explanation, no one has to give me the courtesy of resolution and no one is mandatorily required to comfort me when I am feeling at my utmost low. In thinking others were obligated to handle my emotions, it inevitably and unfairly made them inadequate because my heavy feelings turned over mismanaged and I ended up even more hurt, misunderstood and lonely. Others haven’t lived through my experiences, they don’t share the lens I see the world through exactly, they don’t remember why feeling left out hurts me so much or why being alone sometimes is so important to me. And so, we can maintain longer relationships and even more fruitful ones when we take responsibility for ourselves instead of expecting others to be burdened by our weight. And when they choose to lend a helping hand despite their own struggles, we can appreciate their efforts to comfort us far more than we do when we demand them to. We see the smaller things when we stop expecting the bigger things. And those small things can be even more beautiful than we anticipated.

I go back and forth with myself often to ensure I’m showing up in a way that is true to myself without being hurtful to others, but as human as I am, it doesn’t always go that way. Even though I apologize often, loving deeply is all I know and moving forward is something I convince myself to do, it’s not always enough. And that’s okay too. Nobody owes me anything. Even if it hurts me. Even if I don’t think it’s warranted. The good thing is - I am the one who has the choice to control my emotions, my perspective and my peace.

Everyone is doing the best they know how. Even me...