Father’s Day

I know many will argue, but I do believe I have the best father. He wasn’t just a breadwinner, but he was never too busy to remind me how loved I was. My father was the one who painted my nails as a young girl and washed my hair, but he didn’t want to comb it in case he hurt me because of the knots. He put on my socks and shoes every morning before school and if I cried too hard, I could see the pain in his eyes. If I wanted Burger King instead of dinner, he would take me. He’s the type of man who dedicated his entire life to us. He drove my mom to work, then took us to school every morning, picked us up in the evening, then went back to work. My mother, to this day, doesn’t have her driver’s license because he has never fussed to take her anywhere. He‘s always made me feel like the princess in the fairytale. I was always important, I was always enough and I was always worthy. My pain was his, my burdens were his to bear, his happiness was a reflection of my own. He has been the most sincere example of love, selflessness and devotion to family.

On the contrary, the father of my first son was very different - and it upset me a lot. He had very big shoes to fill and very high standards to meet, and I slowly and painfully learned it was very unfair of me to carry on those expectations. There was heavy fluctuation of stability, from finances to meaningful presence, and neither was where I wanted it to be for my son. I grew a bitterness towards him and resentment towards myself for the choices he was making and the choices I made to end up where I was. After many years of a failing relationship, a divorce and a struggle to coparent successfully, we have finally found a place where the best decisions can be made for our child. He taught me that parenting comes in all shapes and sizes, a lot of it has to be learned, and my opinion of it all should have no bearing on the relationship they share. In accepting these things, I had to learn to let go of what I wanted and with time, I understood that trying to have control of the situation only hurt me, and by extension, my son. Most importantly, I know that he’s taken care of when they are together, so I just let it be. He adores his father, talks about him often and misses him when he is not around - and with his best interest at heart, I let him. No matter what I think, have been through alone or how I feel about what needs to happen, he is happy with the relationship they share, and now, that’s all that matters to me. As long as there is love, and I know they both love each other very much.

Then there is my current partner, who had to play catch up to fatherhood because I was a package deal, followed by our own son shortly after. In less than two years, we were a family of four. It was not easy, but my heart swells with gratitude for the father he grew to be. Even though he had no prior experience with children and had to adjust to not only one, but two, I still find myself learning from him. He reminds me to divide my attention equally and points out when my voice is getting unnecessarily loud. He is admirably protective over them both and his selflessness is second to none. I feel the love permeating the room when he’s laughing with them and I can tell he is right where he wants to be. But as with everything, it took time, and we are still learning how to manage two young, fiery and energetic boys. I know that the relationship he has with my older son is a testament to his love for me, and I am so proud of the father he chooses to show up as daily. I am confident in the example and foundation he has set for them, built with an abundance of love, discipline and guidance. Like the way he smiles when our baby runs to greet him, or how he encourages my older to keep going when he gets too afraid to ride his bicycle without training wheels. He went from not knowing how to say “I love you too” to asking them for hugs and high-fives. My lifeline, we love you, we appreciate you and we celebrate you.

The parenting process is different for women because we have an obligatory bond from conception all the way through. Fathers have to adjust, learn as they go and grow into the changes, while still providing and leading. Your love and sacrifices are not overlooked. We see the work you put in to us and for us. Happy Father’s Day to all the men who are present, who want to be present but can’t be, who feel the absence of their lost babies and who are fathering children who are not their own by blood, but by love. Thank you!!!