Confusion.

i have been pulling myself by the collar through these last few months. sometimes my mind goes back and forth with the idea that existence, as we know it, is the hell we fear for the afterlife of our souls. it tickles me to think that the energy tugging our puppet strings might have a macabre sense of humor. if we don't find the distressing circumstances of life even slightly amusing after they've passed, then that makes the space for healing even more difficult to tap into. can life be so cruel at times that it activates our entire emotional spectrum simultaneously through trauma and then just suspends us in it indefinitely? well, i have a hard time balancing my spectrum - i tend to be either fully disengaged or overwhelmingly involved. i'm working on that...

and in working on it, and weathering the hurricanes that have been stirring for me as of late, life has given me moments of bliss - so energizing and refreshing that it subsides the despair that has been gnawing at my limbs. the sadness feels distant, almost as it if wasn't the most prevalent weight on my stomach for what seemed like a long, long time. the type of happiness that silently heals old wounds and rehabilitates the seemingly impenetrable brokenness. i know it won't last long enough and it will leave me when i least expect it. but it is here again and it will come back again. it is the miracle of being human - of growing, of feeling, of loving.

i'm not certain of anything much in life. what is "meant" for me, what i work towards, what i desire out of life sometimes appears so abstract. i question the significance of it all - and life answers with lessons or reinstatements of hope. we all need to find something that keeps us going through the instability of life. i have chosen to align myself with something i always wanted, something i've lost before and life has favored me to return it - bigger and better. a family of my very own. two vibrant, bull-headed and smart boys who unravel and glue me over and over again. a man who has chosen me at my very worst. when i was yelling at the top of my voice, tears streaming down my face, being chaotic and utterly vanquished. on our mountain or in our trench. i hope life preserves the four of us indefinitely, beyond the odds and beyond reality. i’m not sure the type of woman i would’ve been without them, but they have made me patient, inspired and selfless. a woman that my 15 year old self would’ve admired - i wish i could’ve convinced her that she would grow to be me.