366.

Yet another very difficult year. I wonder when it'll get easier - maybe when I'm 40 and my kids stop fighting me to get dressed in the mornings or my partner and I have put in the work and fully understand each other? But what about being happy now? Appreciating the moments now? How can I strike that balance of being whole and simultaneously involved with my loved ones?

An internal battle I perpetually face is knowing when and how to let go. Issues surface often because I dissect things that are said casually and I search for the underlying motivation behind actions that are pretty much insignificant. I've been trying to figure out why I engage so heavily with these passing encounters. I find these supposed hints and catalysts that send me crashing through a wave of insecurities that obliterate my short-lived happiness and it spits me out on an island by myself that I've meticulously designed to bask in my shortcomings. Why do I do this to myself?

I was told a couple weeks ago that my energy is always so high that it kills everyone else's. This crushed me. I thought this was what people liked the most about me. How I'm able to harness people's excitement and catapult it into another level of fun and liveliness. I then spiraled into a "well if you don't like my energy, you don't like me" thought process which sent me back to that island I've made myself comfortably miserable in. Why do I do this to myself?

Then I started thinking about why I actually do this to myself and I feel like it boils down to this. I try so hard to please others and make them happy because I hate being sad and don't want others to feel that way. I like when my happiness is infectious and palpable because people absorb it and it transforms theirs. But in taking up so much space, I diminish their room to do it independently. I make a big deal out of little things because I don't think life gives us enough to celebrate. I feel someone's energy and take it on myself to address or fix it without their desire or permission and drain myself because I want to help them. Sometimes I make things about me when it may not be because I need reassurance or more stability. I always try to have good intentions but struggle with the fact that that does not grant me love, courtesy or happiness, but my children teach me to be intentional and unconditional about how I'm sharing myself and I need to isolate my emotions more skillfully as I navigate life and others.

I cried a lot this year. I hurt a lot this year. I lost a lot this year.

Many days I scraped through, most days I got through and some days were breakthroughs.

At the end of these 366 days, I find myself a step closer to where I want my life to be and who I want to be in this life.

I have a deep appreciation for everyone who has invested their time and emotions in my amateur blog - where I shared my truths and hopefully made someone out there feel a little less alone. Writing and the human condition are my passions and this space has allowed me to wholly be myself which I can be nothing but grateful for.

Always love and always light. All we can do is our best.

Sharda